![]() Since I’ve never been the virginal type, I’m guessing it was the latter.Įven big business wasn’t immune to the devilish hysteria of the ’80s. Procter & Gamble couldn’t seem to shake rumors that their logo was a secret Satanic symbol, that the owner of P&G made a pact with the devil and that company profits were turned over to the Church of Satan. I am still unclear as to whether my parents thought I might be sacrificed by Devil worshippers, or if they worried I might become a cult leader myself. And listening to an Ozzy Osbourne album might be harmless - or you could wake up from a musically-induced trance, your bedroom walls redecorated with bloody pentagrams and puppy skins, holding a butter knife and wondering what the heck just happened. Messing around with a Ouija board seems like fun, but you’re practically making a collect call to Satan himself. You might think you’re playing a round of Dungeons & Dragons, but you’re actually signing on to become BFFs with Charles Manson. What my parents learned is this: Satanists are super tricky, so they lure kids in with seemingly innocent games and music. They attended several informational meetings in musty church basements, studying pamphlets entitled, “Is Your Child a Gothic?” “What to Do When Your Child is a Devil Worshipper” and “Teenage Fun? Or Satanic Ritual?” When I was growing up, Satanic cults were more popular than Scientology, so that’s really saying something. Fans of the Cure? NO! That’s exactly what they want you to think. These grim kids are actually Satanic cult members - and they are actively recruiting. ![]() Say you’re walking around in the ’80s and you see a group of grim teenagers, clad in rock and roll t-shirts, wearing ungodly amounts of eyeliner. Remember how amnesia was a big thing in the 80s? If you don’t, there’s a good chance you suffered from it. Related ’80s horror: Amnesia, which struck movie and TV heroes almost as often as quicksand. I’m not sure why this buxom blonde decided to put her arms down into the quicksand, but how fortunate for us that she’s so pretty and helpless! What I didn’t realize back then is that quicksand is also incredibly sexy. I carried around a walking stick until my teen years, simply because I wanted to make sure the ground in front of me was firm and secure. Quicksand was such a prominent plot device in ’80s entertainment, I was convinced that I would plunge to my doom with just one misstep in the backyard. Now both of you will drown in the dirt, suffering both slowly and quickly, because that’s the bitch of quicksand. As your friend/partner/relative tries to help, that person tumbles into the quagmire as well. You make a bold statement like, “I don’t need you” or “I’m going to find a way out of here or die trying.” As you walk away, you suddenly find yourself neck deep into a pit of shifting sand. ![]() Here’s the typical scenario: You’re arguing with someone in the woods. In fact, the only reason actors survived the ’80s at all is that their huge shoulder pads kept them afloat in all that quicksand. It was impossible to be a film or TV star in the 80s without getting stuck in quicksand. And I knew it was true, because I saw it happen all the time. Quicksand, however, could be lurking ANYWHERE. I had about as much chance of running into a Russian as I had of meeting a Muppet. The history books will say that the Cold War struck fear in the hearts of my generation. The very best thing about the ’80s was that only three dangers existed in the world - quicksand, Satanic cults and abductions at the mall. Fine. But as long as we’re embracing the decade, let’s show some love for a more unappreciated aspect of it. ![]() I won’t even laugh at the oversized nerdy glasses on hipsters who don’t actually need prescription eyewear. ![]() I don’t mind skinny ties, synthesizers, porny mustaches. You know, I’m OK with bringing back the ’80s. ![]()
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